Since, by my calculations, the world has a 90% chance of ending sometime during the next four years (actually 91.7%, but I rounded down in an abundance of optimism), I decided to jot down some ideas of how I might occupy my remaining time before my species goes extinct. Well, as you might imagine, my brainstorming session got a little out of hand, but here are some of the highlights:
– Do a Kickstarter to fund the printing of 62 million ’70s-style fuzzy velvet black-light posters of Donald Trump with the Caption, “Thank You, President Pumpkinhead.”
– Invent a fitness tracker that doubles as a Geiger counter.
– Publish my memoirs titled, “There’s Uncle Joe, He’s-ahh, Not Moving.”
– Experiment with “vaping.”
– Roll through a Stop sign.
– Get a bumper sticker printed that says, “We Loved a Lifetime’s Worth — Sarah Conner”
– Play drums for The Lovin Spoonful.
– Be a backup singer for Cher.
– Throw shade at my celiac disease by eating gluten in the form of a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts — in one sitting.
– Study the teleportation properties of glitter under a microscope.
– Take a selfie while walking into a lamp post.
– Reread Revelations in the Bible and create a checklist.
– Speed-write a new stream-of-consciousness fantasy novel in which the main character hallucinates about visiting an alternate reality where the only controversy surrounding a President Trump involves the Commander-in-Chief spending most of his time playing with Tonka trucks on the Oval Office floor, with spittle-laden sound effects.
– Purchase a one acre lot in Antarctica and wait there for the ice to melt.
– Travel the world giving away free “The Joke’s On U.S.” tee shirts.
– Invent a new lie-detector test that measures results on the Trump scale.
– Invent a bluetooth headset with built-in gas mask.
– Start an online business selling “Putin Scootin’ Anal Gland Care For Dogs” medicated doggie diapers through Amazon.
– Develop an augmented reality program that displays puppies constantly playing around your feet. And cat people: you can get kittens.