Hope for the 10%

Since, by my calculations, the world has a 90% chance of ending sometime during the next four years (actually 91.7%, but I rounded down in an abundance of optimism), I decided to jot down some ideas of how I might occupy my remaining time before my species goes extinct.  Well, as you might imagine, my brainstorming session got a little out of hand, but here are some of the highlights:

– Do a Kickstarter to fund the printing of 62 million ’70s-style fuzzy velvet black-light posters of Donald Trump with the Caption, “Thank You, President Pumpkinhead.”

– Invent a fitness tracker that doubles as a Geiger counter.

– Publish my memoirs titled, “There’s Uncle Joe, He’s-ahh, Not Moving.”

– Experiment with “vaping.”

– Roll through a Stop sign.

– Get a bumper sticker printed that says, “We Loved a Lifetime’s Worth — Sarah Conner”

– Play drums for The Lovin Spoonful.

– Be a backup singer for Cher.

– Throw shade at my celiac disease by eating gluten in the form of a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts — in one sitting.

– Study the teleportation properties of glitter under a microscope.

– Take a selfie while walking into a lamp post.

– Reread Revelations in the Bible and create a checklist.

– Speed-write a new stream-of-consciousness fantasy novel in which the main character hallucinates about visiting an alternate reality where the only controversy surrounding a President Trump involves the Commander-in-Chief spending most of his time playing with Tonka trucks on the Oval Office floor, with spittle-laden sound effects.

– Purchase a one acre lot in Antarctica and wait there for the ice to melt.

– Travel the world giving away free “The Joke’s On U.S.” tee shirts.

– Invent a new lie-detector test that measures results on the Trump scale.

– Invent a bluetooth headset with built-in gas mask.

– Start an online business selling “Putin Scootin’ Anal Gland Care For Dogs” medicated doggie diapers through Amazon.

And finally:

– Develop an augmented reality program that displays puppies constantly playing around your feet.  And cat people: you can get kittens.

  1. #1 by Martha Turnbull on January 17, 2017 - 5:55 AM


    I wish that was as cathartic as the the intent but unfortunately I still wake up every morning closer to inauguration day to the same nightmare standing at the edge of the abyss. I wish I could shake this horrid mindset. I have tried avoiding major news media outlets in the hopes to get a more positive outlook alas it has not happened so far.

    Reading your comments, and hearing your sharp wit in my head does help. Knowing that there is someone else out there with the same concerns helps to calm me oddly enough. Your wit & slightly skewed view of things has always helped me get a new perspective on things.

    I’m happy your back to writing you have been missed.

    The other “M”

    Liked by 1 person

    • #2 by Joseph M Kurtenbach on January 18, 2017 - 12:34 AM

      Thanks, Martha. I know what you mean. And it’s not just that I’ve known Trump as a public figure for decades and have never liked him or considered him a decent human being. The election of the man literally stunned me like a terrorist attack. I never would have expected quite the reaction I had, and it still affects me, like my heart has broken for our country. I’ve never had any election hit me this way. And I never would have expected anything in politics to stir me enough to write more than a short paragraph about it, unless it was assigned homework.

      I’m sure many millions of the people who voted for him are good, decent people, and that’s a great part of the stunned disbelief. Perhaps they will end up being right in some inconceivable way, and for the sake of our country I hope they are, but I’m seeing no sign of a good outcome here.


  2. #3 by Rilla Z on January 18, 2017 - 7:44 AM

    Sounds like your bucket list is ready. 😄

    Liked by 1 person

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