Yes, even I sometimes have the urge to do things I suspect will be counterproductive. Not like that time I wanted to take extra hay to the zebras. I was blissfully clueless that time. But more like that time I wondered if I could use rocket fuel to toast bagels. Thank goodness the grocery store was out of gluten-free bagels at 2 am that morning.
Anyway, in that spirit, there are actual “hacks” (see there! I almost literally want to throw up when other people use that word for anything other than referring to computer hacking, yet here I am) I’ve used to distract myself from getting into trouble on this subject. As you might guess, some are more effective than others. Here are my top ten.
1. Chew my fingernails until they bleed, then reminisce about Frodo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings movies.
2. Search my apartment for bedbugs, ready to pick them up with inverted duct tape.
3. Plan a new “101 Uses for Duct Tape” book.
4. Watch the news until I become an incoherent lump. Follow up with reruns of Gilligan’s Island to regain sanity.
5. Watch animal videos. Compare and contrast with politicians. (Oops, this one slipped by me.)
6. Eat mass quantities of Conversation Hearts and weep softly.
7. Go walking at the mall wearing a birthday party hat and dragging an empty dog leash.
8. Check out breaking news on Facebook.
9. Visit styling salons to check out the latest men’s hair care products and ask questions.
10. Walk through the corridors of my apartment building yelling, “Read my lips!”